Today I did not &#$*in &@& the ^@#&** of the @!^!&* with a !&^!@&$ #^!!@#.

Today I did not pop a pill in the cap of someone's rear in order to stem the tide of unstoppable bliss that may or may not never come my way.

Today I did not antagonize a man who was stronger, faster, smarter, and all together more like a man-walrus hybrid.

Today I did not hurl a six foot long house plant into my neighbor's gorilla.

Today I did not howl at the moon shaped cheese in the window of a glass factory who obviously did not own corrective lenses.

Today I did not hold a grudge against the teeming masses of people wishing me an unhappy birthday because I forgot to move my nuclear missile testing a country to the left.

Today I did not play the hand dealt to me in a stirring sword fight in lieu of goatcheese.

Today I did not contract a horrible disease that not only turned me cyan, but also finished it's building project three weeks late, four hundred dollars overbudget, and on the wrong continent.

Today I did not shower myself with lavish praise for a flamability well done.

Today I did not affirm a silly statement I previously made by chanting "I am not Dan Quayle, I am not Dan Quayle, I am not Dan Quayle..."

Today I did not wear my heart on my shoulder and blow my nose into, admiring the lovely Christmas looking result.

Today I did not challenge God to an arm-wrestling match of minute proportions, since we didn't have anything else to do.

Today I did not abominate a school of fish because they had no homework on the Russian Revolution of 1997.6.

Today I did not plow through a field of rebelling gypsies who demanded a pay increase and more energy efficient wagons with a bulldozer the size of a rabbit.

Today I did not drily articulate my desire to kick tail quarters with the best of the elite salmon division of Wal-Mart.

Today I did not aim a moral crusade at the depraved, heathen infidels of Holy Bob's Divine land of Holiness.

Today I did not burst with misanthropic rage and spew forth my legions of monstrous kittens with pink bows!

Today I did not have a duck or walrus souffle served on the rotten husk of yesteryear's aborted dreams.

Today I did not entertain any qualms I had about a nuclear teddy bear with a strictly choreographed song and dance operation involving sparklers and laughing gas.

Today I did not dramatically implicate my cohorts in a series of murders, larcenies, and jaywalking that ended in public execution for all but the most depraved lunatics found in the judicial system.

Today I did not fly into an electrical light meant to distract me from my tuberculosis ridden peanut butter target.

Today I did not fly into an electrical light meant to distract me from my tuberculosis ridden peanut butter target.

Today I did not melt into a gelatinous blob, pour myself into a series of limited edition soda bottles, and sell myself as a new "High Powered" energy drink to the unsuspecting masses.

Today I did not defend an assault to my honor with pistols, tuna, or purple.

Today I did not frame my latest death warrant for the murder of three mailmen, an icecream truck driver, and a hobo who saw all of it despite him being three states away.