Today I did not forgo the usual pleasantries and burst into an intricate portrayal of every minute detail involved in my systematic extermination of a rebel glob of earwax causing dissension in the nasal cavity that is my mind.

Today I did not ride the rails to a new life of freedom, individualism, and an apocalyptic amount of mutated croissants.

Today I did not narrate the verisimilitude of an epic dirge that was, in fact, the nutrition facts for a bowling ball sized onion ring sans onion or any trace of rings.

Today I did not woo the fickle scorn of my desire and watch it storm away into a graveyard of the vernacular.

Today I did not stomp the fleeting whisps of bliss from an otherwise void-filled AA meeting.

Today I did not check the mate of a thousand sighs only to be thwarted by an inoppurtune sour cream deficiency.

Today I did not ride the winds of rueful bliss while waving my right to a free tune-up every thousand joys.

Today I did not destroy my day-planner in a rage of such epic proportions that Bob Knight himself was unable to stop cowering in fear.

Today I did not blow the school into a mound of mustard-flavored confetti.

Today I did not gaze into the well of fortune just to my futile longings hurled back from the pit I had hoped to use to be rid of them for eternity because I forgot to pay the correct postage.

Today I did not challenge the gruesome irony of Fate only to realize I left my resolve, courage, and passport in a little heart-shaped bag next to the bathroom sink marked "FRAGILE."

Today I was not raped, murdered, robbed, or lightly pureed while wandering the Third Creek trail alone at night.