Today I did not bow down to the Almighty Ham Sandwich of 100% Tuna

Today I did not wallow in the lush and boutiful vegetables of my hard earned, two figure income.

Today I did not ruminate on the possible implications of the proposal presented to me on the subject on whether I should or should not, indeed, do the dew.

Today I did not assault a yodelling panda who would not sign my petition to "Stave the Quails."

Today I did not kill a rabid mutated kidney bean with a carefully placed, but foolishly aimed, jello javelin.

Today I did not glance in a dreamily hostile manner at a troupe of juggling anorexic chimpanzees on performance dehancing lollypops.

Today I did not create my own universe of dancing iguanas for my own perverse amusement or tax breaks.

Today I did not tear myself into two separate but equal parts in an attempt to segregate mind from body, heart from soul, and head from neck.

Today I did not capture the elusive "Forgotten Puzzle Piece of Indecipherable Sky" during a voyage into the heart of the Mediterraen Sea Food Restaurant.

Today I did not fire my secretary because she was unable to tie my shoelaces into magnificent ice sculptures.

Today I did not take on the world only to realize it wasn't the world at all, but a poisonous caterpillar that caused me to break on in song and change the world in ways I can not cope with and retain my sanity.

Today I did not yell obscenities at a wandering toothpick repairman while using my flaming balls of wax to cultivate a new denture crop.

Today I did not retain any qualms over harboring illegal aliens from the wartorn nation of Luxembourg after I accidentally forgot to tell them that their library books were not only due, but were also time bombs out to ruin their reputations, lives, and impeccably maintained upholstery.

Today I did not experiment with new posting options while engaging in a battle of wits with an orange bluebird in a red convertible in front of the whitewashed CAPITAL building.

Today I did not rival the majestic elm or attack its delicate sensibilities.

Today I did not Dance the Jig o' Death without a cleverly concealed tire iron in my right shoe.

Today I did not ponder the heinous crime of infrequent updates while partaking in the most divine Albanian Zebra Frog induced halleucinations I've ever had the misfortune to forget.

Today I did not try to make up for missing yesterday by writing two times as much today.

Today I did not symbolicly misinterpret a spear aimed straight for my lung to mean that my 5 o'clock date was postponed to 7:30.

Today I did not rain thousands of anti-assassin party pamphlets on a completely unsuspecting troop of Girl Scouts in the middle of the Everglades.

Today I did not dance with a flamingo who had two left feet of fur.