Today I did not disguise my residence in order to throw off "visitors" who now know the location of my house and hence can climb through the window, cut off my legs, and replace them with salami whenever the mood strikes them.

Today I didn't challenge the Four Fabulous Flying Fungi to a fencing match to the death (or cheese, as the case may be).

Today I did not attack an Albanian fire-rabbit who, despite the telling bread crumbs on the floor, had really not eaten three hundred pounds of my very own, signature, one-of-a-kind-squid pancakes.

Today I did not give a firework to a French librarian in exchange for the privilege of taking off my shoes in the mortuary.

Today I did not waltz into a bagel shop and steal 40lbs. of Russian Sailor spit with an incredibly large novelty thimble.

Today I did not wander aimlessly in a forest of dead iguanas while fighting off rabid chickadees with nothing to lose.

Today I did not compete with Vishnu in a Connect-Four game of epic, and cosmic, proportions.

Today, I did not go medieval on a fake zombie's rear-end.

Today I did not dissuade God from temporarily avoiding a downpour of rain while I hiked down a mountain and watched my sister melt.

Today I did not much of the possible, feasible, and the grey area in between.

Today, I did not capture a boat of illegal immigrants in the yaught I don't have and force them to harvest my fields of kiwi with nothing but their bare hands.

Today I did not brutally incinerate the people who cut in line while we were waiting for receipts for parking permits.

Today I did not skip on the trapeze while juggling watermelons for a crowd of angry and irate midgets.

Today I did not feed the camel I don't have a barrel of very salty cucumbers.

Today I did not give Caitlin credit for her wonderful idea of creating this blog (How's that for paradox!).

Today I did not wage war upon a colony of dustbunnies who refuse to pay my tyrannical tariffs because it would require me to actually get off my lazy rear and do work.

Today Martha has not climbed on top of her roof where she was not abducted by aliens while eating fried worms.

Today, like yesterday and tomorrow, Abner Doubleday did not invent baseball.