Today I didn't partay in an outfit too revealing for public and too limiting for the dirty work of a hired assassin.

Today I did not stroke my gloriously paltry beard in a less than distinguished, but more than delusioned manner.

Today I did not eradicate all traces of that unfortunate growth in between the sofa and Albania I like to call "earth Version 1.7."

Today I did not take incriminating photos of the next door neighbor's dachsund having an affair with the lady across the street's guinea pig from New Jersey.

Today I did not ride the clouds in my chariot of lightning, razing the surroundings with my almighty "Giant Ball O' Lint."

Today I did not violate my sacred oath by drinking out of the carton without a well placed grenade.

Today I did not drift off into a land of sonorous slumber in the midst of a Libertarian Revolution that established a stuffed teddy bear as the Prime Minister of the entirety of Lithuania.

Today I did not praise the sterling efforts of the League of Untainted Sewage Workers for Corporate Truth and Air Fresheners.

Today I did not flail about in a fury of unfathomable ferocity over a few ferrets found ferrying frogs from France to Finland.