Today I did not accept a dose of Heaven for fear of the gallon of Purgatory that accompanied it.

Today I did not accept a dose of Heaven for fear of the gallon of Purgatory that accompanied it.

Today I did not watch the slow, but inevitable demise of the last of the Great Rootabags of Wisdom.

Today I did not stomp out the fires of falsity only to discover the excrement of truth within.

Today I did not gallup in the bright blue horizon only to realize it wasn't blue but red and it wasn't the horizon but the fiery inferno of the gates of hell.

Today I did not flow with the rivers of ambivalence that tainted my melancholy pineapple.

Today I did not weigh the grave indulgence of a most perilous sojourn while I ate a 12-pack of inverted twinkies.

Today I did not gorge my bloated liver on even more pickled ferret casseroles and then complete the cycle of innane masochism with a zucchini and wallabee stir-fry surprise.