Today I didn't tactfully handle an unwanted gesture of social good will without being a cruel, selfish, lazy bureacratic tax collector.

Today I was not sent up the river without a wombat.

Today I did not eat three hundred pounds of tuna with a plastic butterknife.

Today I did not raise my war flag high as I sailed on the oceans of orange ketchup riddled with toxic raisins bent on my destruction.

Today I didn't yodel the lyrics to "I'm too Sexy" while strapping a salami to my neck and running head first into a large mound of green jello.

Today I didn't host a hoe-down in the middle of a blizzard, in Alaska, as a going away party for the Patron God of Florists.

Today I did not raise a tiny seed into a varmint eating zombie tree from Venus while explaining to Elizabeth that affirmative comments even with conjunctions are not allowed and that double negatives vere dangerously close.

Today I did not leave the gates of Hell open while I went to go walk the dog.

Today I did not hurl a pole throw the third story window of a rich, wealthy, young poodle tamer.

Today I did not grow a third pair of earlobes while chastising Easterly who is dangerously close to cheating.

Today I did not fall in love with a skeleton of the past dressed in neon overalls.

Today I did not sail the Seven Seas in search of a lost bus ticket that was my only real pass to salvation in the great state of Iowa.

Today I did not die trying.

Today I did not tango with a tarantula because it just wasn't in the mood.

Today I did not blow away on the wind's of change only to find I'd left my wallet at home.

Today I didn't gallop into the horizon only to simultaneously prove that the world is flat and that gravity, does in fact, exist.

Today I did not raise an unholy homeless army of vagrants and send them out to strike stink and bummery into the hearts of the streetwalkers under the slogan "If it ain't drunk, it ain't me!"

Today I did not craft an invincible plan so foolproof that only the Hand of God Himself could prevent me from finally obtaining the fabled "Last Cupcake on the Table."

Today I did not finish my ACT and promptly drive to ACT headquarters, whip out a nailgun, and go to town on the creators of said test.

Today I didn't waste away into an oblivion of dust particles and cause someone to get a really, really nasty sinus headache.

Today I did not rise up, excel, conquer, and do the Hokey-Pokey with an inebriated squirrel.

Today I didn't raze an innocent fishing village because it had the severe misfortune of being named "Flamableville".

Today I didn't howl at the moon in the deep, dark grass in the big, black trees that are made out of glass.

Today I did not transcend my adolescent form to become the One True Oyster and establish my shiny realm/utopia under the sea with a group of demented crocodiles armed with yodeling pillows.

Today I did not unilaterally invade a donut with sprinkles of mass yumminess.

Today I didn't go where the Wild Things sing in the blue, blue grass of the Tidal Ring.

Today I didn't plan the demise of all civilization while yodeling the Spanish National Anthem through a half-empty half-gallon of icecream.

Today, I did not go anywhere near the Forbidden Sofa Cushion in the Living Room of Fear, fiercely guarded by the Dog Who Is Not Large And Is Really Irate About It.

Today I didn't boomshakalalalalawhoopwhoopdeedoo at least until happy hour.

Today I did not reveal the One True Pretzel to the Committe of Novelty Shoehorns for its' 14th annual Anti Blue Elephant Maiming Festival.